In September 2017 entries opened for the 6th Manga Translation Battle, where anyone can enter at least one of three manga translations. The winners for each manga may get a chance to translate the final manga officially. So it’s a large opportunity for many up and coming manga translators.
I had never translated manga officially at that point, besides entering in the 4th Battle, so I was excited to take another shot at it. Only my September and October was taken up working on my translation for Kurodahan Translation Competition.
I decided to work on Deaimon, a really cute slice of life manga about traditional Japanese sweets.
Besides fantasy narratives slice of life is one of my favorite genre. So I was really excited to work on this one!
I actually worked on the first draft by printing out the pages and translating them on the bus – (I did the same thing with the Kurodahan Translation). This was so my initial translation was more natural. Not just a natural following narrative but natural phrases in English rather than focusing too much on individual sentences.
I then read through the piece a few times before having friends check it over, then perfecting it even more. I probably went through about 9-10 drafts. Even then I was anxious but I only had about 2 weeks to finish this before sending it off in the end.
I sadly wasn’t selected as a finalist. It’s hard to say what people want from a translation because each translation is different depending on the translator. I wanted to go for a very, very naturally sounding localization. I personally prefer manga where you can’t hear the Japanese in the English, so that’s how I like translating manga and anime.
For example, “Welcome back” is clearly 「おかえりなさい」 but we don’t tend to say that in English. So for this I went with “Hey, yer back!” because it fit the character and the situation, and sounded more natural.
—
The original Japanese is not mine to distribute but here’s my translation for Deaimon.
Page: 1
(1)
Narration: That moment
Narration: probably
Narration: set my fate
Narration: in stone.
Text Box: Chapter 1: Nagomu and Itsuka
Page: 2-3
(1)
Title: Deaimon
Text: 1 by Rin Asano
Page: 4
(1)
Title: Contents
Text Box: Chapter 1: Nagomu and Itsuka
Text Box: Chapter 2: A Single Day
Text Box: Chapter 3: The Fresh Breeze
Text Box: Chapter 4: Four Sweet Choruses
Text Box: Chapter 5: Growing Faint
Page: 5
(1)
FX: Yeeaah!
(2)
Announcer: That was the indie band Stimulating Cross!!
Announcer: Give them a round of applause!!!
FX: @[email protected]
FX: @[email protected]
FX: @[email protected]
Announcer: Next up we have the exciting group you can’t get enough of-
(3)
Announcer: Chestnut ManJu!
Nagomu: Good evening!
(4)
FX: clatter
FX: @clap clap [email protected]
Page: 6
(1)
Nagomu: The crowd must have been really exhausted!
Nagomu: That band before us was pretty hardcore.
FX: @[email protected]
Nagomu: Let’s go get hammered!!
(2)
Bandmate: Sorry Nagomu,
Bandmate: but we’re breaking up the band.
(3)
Nagomu: What the hell guys?
Nagomu: Sure the members have changed a few times…
Nagomu: but we’ve been going strong for 10 years!
Nagomu: This is utterly heartbreaking.
(4)
Nagomu: Arrrgg.
Nagomu: I need sugar.
FX: @ding [email protected]
(5)
Postman: Have a good day!
Page: 7
(1)
Nagomu: It’s from Mom?
(2)
Nagomu: Weird, why now?
Nagomu: She normally only sends me stuff at New Year…
FX: @[email protected]
(3)
Nagomu: Th-
Nagomu: These are…!!
(4)
Nagomu: Our family’s sakura manju!
(5)
Nagomu: The color!
Nagomu: The smell!
Nagomu: The texture!
Nagomu: The perfect sweetness!
Nagomu: They’re _so good_!!
(6)
Nagomu (narrative): My broken heart…
Nagomu (narrative): has been put back together again!
FX: hallelujah!
Page: 8
(1)
Nagomu: What a beautiful sunset.
(2)
Nagomu (narrative): I left home swearing that I wouldn’t return until I made a name for myself.
Nagomu (thoughts): Guess I’ll just have to start all over again.
(3)
Nagomu: Huh?
(4)
Nagomu: A letter?
FX: @clunk clunk [email protected]
(5)
FX: slam
Kanoko: His shoes are here.
Kanoko: He’s back?!
(6)
Kanoko: Why weren’t you picking up your phone?!
Kanoko: Did the band seriously break up?!
FX: bang
Kanoko: What?!
(7)
FX: waaaahhhh!!
Page: 9
(1)
Kanoko: Y-you idiot!
Kanoko: If you’re that upset about it go talk to the othe-
Nagomu: Kanoko… I’m…
FX: @biff [email protected]
(2)
Nagomu: I’m going back home to make sweets.
(3)
Kanoko: (bigger) What?!
Nagomu: My mom sent me some sweets and this letter was inside.
(4)
Letter: Dear Nagomu.
Letter: I hope you’re keeping well.
Letter: I was just thinking of you the other day and felt like sending you some sweets.
Letter: Oh, and…
Letter: Dad’s in hospital.
(5)
Nagomu: With dad out of commission the shop will be…
Nagomu: And I won’t be able to have these delicious sweets anymore!
Page: 10
(1)
Nagomu (thought): I need to inherit the shop to protect these sweets!
Nagomu: That’s what this letter is saying!
(2)
Nagomu: So we should go…
Nagomu: together and…
FX: @rustle [email protected]
(3)
Kanoko: Sorry but,
Kanoko: I only like Western sweets.
(4)
Kanoko: See ya.
FX: Bang!
Page: 11
(1)
Grandpa: What’s up kiddo?
Grandpa: Something happen?
Nagomu: Grandpa…
(2)
Grandpa: No use cryin’ over spilt milk.
Grandpa: How ’bout one of these?
Grandpa: You’ll feel better once you’ve eaten something.
(3)
Grandpa: The better the food,
Grandpa: the better you’ll feel.
(4)
Nagomu: That means our sweets are the best at making people feel good!
(5)
FX: ruffle
Page: 12
(1)
Grandpa: Ya know that means,
Grandpa: you have to protect Ryokusho’s sweets too.
FX: @[email protected]
(2)
Announcement: We will soon be arriving at Kyoto.
Announcement: Will all passengers departing here-
FX: Oh!
(3)
Nagomu: I’m getting off! I’m getting off!
FX: @thud thud [email protected]
FX: @[email protected]
Nagomu: Sorry about that!
(4)
Nagomu: @[email protected]
Nagomu: @[email protected]
Nagomu: I was dreaming of Grandpa.
Nagomu: @[email protected]
(5)
FX: @[email protected]
(6)
Nagomu (narration): I sorted all my stuff so all I have now is one bag and my guitar…
Nagomu (narration): The same things I had when I left for Tokyo.
Page: 13
(1)
Nagomu: Has it really been 10 years?
(2)
Nagomu: A lot’s changed, even the buildings.
Nagomu: Then again, I’ve changed too.
(3)
Nagomu: No, it’s fine,
Nagomu: At least I don’t look that old yet.
Nagomu: I think…
Page: 14
(1)
FX: yank
Itsuka: Daddy!
Page: 15
(1)
Nagomu: Who-
Itsuka: Who’re you?
(2)
Nagomu: That’s what I was gonna-
FX: woosh!
(3)
Nagomu: Wait!!
Nagomu: I need to ask you-
Nagomu: Woah she’s fast!!
(4)
Nagomu Text: Do I really look _that_ old?!
(5)
Nagomu: @[email protected]
Nagomu: Or maybe?!
Nagomu: Nah, it’s just the stress getting to me…
(6)
Nagomu: My heart actually raced a bit there.
Text: Maybe I’ll have a kid someday who’ll call me Daddy…
Announcement: The 205 Bus to Kinkakuji and Kitaoji will shortly be departing the terminal.
(7)
Nagomu: Wait! I need that bus!
FX: @whisper [email protected]
Woman: Woah that guy’s all over the place.
Page: 16
(1)
Sign: *Confectioners*
Sign: *Ryokusho*
(2)
Sign: *Uguisu Mochi*
Sign: *Crimson Manju*
Sign: *Seasonal Recommendation*
(3)
Saki: Gonna make a delivery! See you in a bit!
(4)
Nagomu: Hey!
Nagomu: Nice work!
Saki: Huh?
FX: @[email protected]
Saki: Err, cheers?
Page: 17
(1)
Saki: Wait, was that…?
FX: rattle
Nagomu: I’m _home!_
(2)
FX: Shoulder Tackle!
(3)
Father: How dare you show your ugly mug ‘ere again!
Saki (thoughts): I knew it. He’s the son that buggered off.
(4)
Text: @ripped from physical [email protected]
Father: Surprised? I was trainin’ for the day I’d be able to smack you one again.
FX: crack
Nagomu: You’re…
(5)
Father: I’m what?
Page: 18
(1)
Nagomu: You’re okaaay!
Text: 181cm
FX: @[email protected]
Text: 165cm
Father: Argg!
(2)
Mother: Keep it down!
FX: @bonk [email protected]
(3)
Mother: You’re grownups for goodness sake!
Mother: Don’t disturb the neighbors with your ruckus!
(4)
Mother: Now get inside!
(5)
Masa: It’s the kid!
Otsuru: He really did come home!
(6)
Nagomu: Hi Masa-san! Hi Otsuru-san!
Nagomu: Nice to see you agaaiiin!
FX: @scrape scrape scrape [email protected]
Father: ‘Scuse us for a bit!
Masa: It’s been forever,
Masa: since we saw the kid bein’ dragged off like that!
Otsuru: Sure has been!
Page: 19
(1)
Grave: *Ryokusho Family Memorial*
(2)
Nagomu: Hey Grandpa, sorry it’s been so long.
Nagomu: But I’m home now…
(3)
Nagomu: and I’m gonna to inherit the shop.
FX: pffft!
(4)
Father: You dropped college ’cause you said you had to do something,
Father: but never bothered to write!
Nagomu: I sent you cards at New Year!
Father: You’ve bummed around for 10 years and now think I’m gonna leave everything to amateur like you?!
(5)
Nagomu: I came as soon as I heard you were in hospital.
Nagomu: I mean, who else is going to look after this place?
Page: 20
(1)
Nagomu: I couldn’t stop imagining all the terrible illnesses you might have had.
Nagomu: I never thought…
(2)
Nagomu: It was just (bigger) HEMEROIDS!
Mother: I told you there was no need to panic, he’s so rarely hospitalized.
Mother: That’s why I sent you that photo.
Father: Urgh…
(3)
Mother: He came home ’cause he was worried ’bout you!
Mother: You should be happy.
Father: Hmph.
(4)
Father: You’re useless and I already have a successor.
(5)
Nagomu: This yam manju is amazing!
Mother: I sprinkled it with mugwort.
Father: (bold) Are you even listenin’ to me?!
(6)
FX: rattle
Itsuka: I’m home!
Page: 21
(1)
Father: Hey, yer back!
(2)
Nagomu: Huh?!
(3)
Father: Good timin’, sit down.
(4)
FX: @thump thump thump [email protected]
Page: 22
(1)
FX: @[email protected]
(2)
FX: @[email protected]
(3)
Mother: Stop staring at her!
Mother: You’re scaring the poor thing!
Nagomu: Oh, sorry.
(4)
Nagomu: It’s just that she looks a lot like,
Nagomu: this kid that mistook me for someone at the station.
(5)
FX: Uwaaa
(6)
Mother: Mistook you?
Nagomu: Yeah, she suddenly grabbed me…
Page: 23
(1)
Nagomu: And shouted “daddy”.
Itsuka: Wha-?!
Itsuka: W-well you know they say everyone has 3 doppelgangers out there…
(2)
Itsuka: P-pardon me…
Itsuka: But…
Itsuka: Who might this gentleman be?
(3)
Nagomu (thoughts): She’s obviously flustered.
Nagomu (thoughts): What a funny kid.
Father: Oh yeah, him…
(4)
Father: That’s my son Nagomu.
Father: Why don’t you introduce yourself to him?
Page: 24
(1)
Itsuka: Your son?
Itsuka: You mean the one that abandoned the shop a ran off on his own?
Nagomu: You’re kidding right?
Nagomu: I can’t believe you told her about that!
(2)
Father: Don’t get cheeky with me boy!
(3)
FX: @[email protected]
(4)
Itsuka: I am Itsuka.
(5)
Itsuka: A just simple freeloader who started living here a year ago.
Nagomu: Huh?
(6)
FX: @ruffle [email protected]
Father: Don’t be like that!
Father: You’re like one of the family, everyone thinks so!
(7)
Nagomu: !
Page: 25
(1)
Nagomu (thoughts): Whaaat?! Why is she glaring at me?!
Nagomu (thoughts): What did I ever do to her?!
(2)
Nagomu: Brrr!
Father: Nagomu.
Father: _She_ is my successor.
Page: 26
(1)
Mother: Although he decided that without asking me.
Father: Wha’?!
(2)
Mother: She’s only 10!
Itsuka: Auntie.
Itsuka: I want that too.
(3)
Itsuka: I refuse to give this place up to a selfish runaway.
(4)
Father: Nicely put!
(5)
Father: There you have it, she’s my official successor.
Mother: Stop gettin’ ahead of yourself!
FX: @[email protected]
Page: 27
(1)
Itsuka: Now that the pleasantries are done, can I get to work?
Father: Oh sorry ’bout that.
Father: Go ahead.
(2)
FX: hmph
(3)
FX: slam!
(4)
Nagomu: S-she was glaring at me again.
Nagomu: She works here?
Mother: She helps take care of the shop after school.
Mother: She’s practically the face of the shop now.
Page: 28
(1)
Nagomu (narration): She’s zipping all over the place.
Nagomu’s (narration): I see what mom meant now.
(2)
Nagomu (narration): And she’s his successor!
Nagomu (thoughts): I get it.
Nagomu (thoughts): They’d rather have a pretty girl than a useless old man.
(3)
Narration (narration): Useless old man…
Nagomu (thoughts): Even thinking it to myself stings.
Itsuka: Excuse me, but there’s no smoking here.
Page: 29
(1)
Man 1: It’s just a quick cig for dessert.
Itsuka: It’s a nuisance for the other customers.
Man 2: You’re just a kid, what do you know?
Man 2: Nothing. So back off.
FX: @[email protected]
(2)
Nagomu: Arg, looks like some bratty students.
FX: @[email protected]
Nagomu: I should get Otsuru-san…
Nagomu: Oh wait, she already left.
(3)
Nagomu: Fine, then I’ll…
(4)
Itsuka: You’re older than me yet don’t seem to understand what I’m saying.
Man 1: What?!
(5)
Itsuka: I may be a child, but I can still call the police.
Itsuka: Do you want to be charged with disturbing the peace?
(6)
Nagomu: Woah…
(7)
Nagomu: You sure are confident.
Nagomu: But you should let an adult deal with those kinds of things.
Page: 30
(1)
Itsuka: This has nothing to do with you.
(2)
Nagomu: Tch.
Nagomu: I’m not backing down that easily.
FX: @stomp stomp [email protected]
(3)
Mother: Did something happen?
(4)
Mother: I see…
Mother: So she was being as cold as always.
(5)
Mother: I think it’s because she’s not used to relying on others.
Mother: And she probably doesn’t want to cause us any trouble.
Mother: She feels like she always has to do things by herself.
(6)
Nagomu: What about her parents?
(7)
Mother: They abandoned her. Who knows where they are.
Page: 31
(1)
Narration: It’s not often we get snow like that day.
Narration: Her mother had left her and her father long before.
Narration: They came here asking for help.
(2)
Narration: The next day…
Narration: “Take care of her.”
Narration: Was all he said in the letter he left before he vanished.
(3)
Mother: It was heartbreaking watching her hold herself together.
Mother: That’s why we decided to take her in until she was ready to leave.
(4)
Mother: But we’re not the best foster parents.
Mother: I mean at our age? It’s not good for a child.
Page: 32
(1)
Nagomu: That’s true, you look like her grandma.
Mother: @[email protected]
(2)
Mother: That’s it!
Mother: You were planning on staying here to work anyway weren’t you?!
Nagomu: What?
(3)
Mother: Why don’t you become her foster dad?!
(4)
Mother: You can help bring her out of her shell,
Mother: and bring her up proper!
FX: @ring [email protected]
(5)
Nagomu (narration): A dad? Me?
Mother: Coming!
(6)
Nagomu (narration): But wasn’t she…
Nagomu (narration): …looking for her dad at the station?
Page: 33
(1)
Mother: Oh?
Mother: An employee of ours?
(2)
Mother: We do have one that’s quite young but…
Mother: Can you get her?
(3)
Itsuka: Hello?
Itsuka: Itsuka speaking.
(4)
Man 1: I was at your shop the other day and I have to say I was impressed with how hard you were working.
Man 1: Well you see we are having a little get together tomorrow and…
(5)
Father: They ordered 100 mugwort yam manju?!
(6)
Mother: They’re gonna pick them up tomorrow evening.
Father: That’s one hell of an order!!
Page: 34
(1)
Mother: @[email protected] We don’t have a room for you.
Mother: You’ll have to use the cupboard.
(2)
Nagomu: Ok!
Nagomu: I’m going to get up early tomorrow and help out!
(3)
Nagomu: Huh?
Page: 35
(1)
Nagomu (thoughts): Crap. I overslept. It’s already noon.
Nagomu (thoughts): Wow.
(2)
Nagomu (narration): The mugwort smells so good.
(3)
Nagomu (narration): These nostalgic soft yam manju…
Nagomu (narration): They’re family favorites across Japan, often used for offerings or gifts.
Page: 36
(1)
Nagomu: I can’t resist this mild smooth red bean goodness.
(2)
Father: (bigger) Don’t, you halfwit!
Father: (bigger) They’re for the customer!!
FX: @noogie [email protected]
FX: @slap slap [email protected]
Nagomu: I give! I give!
Itsuka: I’m home!
(3)
Father: Oh! Hey there kid!
Father: We’re just finishing up here.
(4)
Itsuka: ……
Itsuka: I’ll go get changed then.
(5)
Mother: I can’t wait to find out who ordered these
(6)
Sign: *Confectioners*
Sign: *Ryokusho*
Page: 37
(1)
Sign: *Confectioners*
Sign: *Ryokusho*
(2)
FX: @[email protected]
Itsuka: @[email protected] Welcome!
Customer: Do you have a table for two?
(3)
Itsuka: Of course, right this way…
Mother: ……
Mother (thoughts): They’ve not come yet… Maybe I should call them?
(4)
Phone: We’re sorry; you have reached a number that has been disconnected or is no longer in service.
(5)
Saki: What? That means they probably used a burner phone.
Page: 38
(1)
Father: (bold) It was a prank?!
Mother: A burner phone?
Saki: Lots of people can get hold of them nowadays.
(2)
Father: What now? We’re about to close and we have so many…
(3)
Father: They probably wanted to pick on Itsuka just ’cause she’s a kid.
(4)
FX: yank
Itsuka: I can-
(5)
Itsuka: do something about this!
(6)
Mother: Do something?!
Nagomu: Woah! Woah! Woah!
(7)
Nagomu: You’re a kid! What do you think you’re gonna do?!
Nagomu: Just let it go already!
Page: 39
(1)
Itsuka: No, I will not!
Itsuka: It doesn’t matter how old I am, I’m taking responsibility for _my_ mistake!
(2)
Father: Hey! Get after her!
Saki: Yes sir!
Nagomu: No!
Page: 40
(1)
Nagomu: I’ll go.
(2)
Father: Do you even know where you’re going?!
Nagomu: I’ll ask someone!
FX: @thump thump [email protected]
(3)
Father: Think he can handle this?
Mother: What’s with the bags?
(4)
Flashback to Mother: I think it’s because she’s not used to relying on others.
Flashback to Mother: She feels like she always as to do things by herself.
(5)
Itsuka: Would you like some manju?
Page: 41
(1)
Itsuka: Ryokusho manju are really good!
(2)
Itsuka: Would anyone like some?!
(3)
Itsuka (narrative): People are looking over but…
Itsuka (narrative): No one’s stopping.
(4)
Itsuka (narrative): These boxes are heavy.
Itsuka (narrative): My legs feel like lead.
(5)
Itsuka (narrative): My throat feels so dry.
(6)
Itsuka (narrative): No, I need to keep it together.
Itsuka (narrative): If I don’t…
Woman: Are you alright dear?
FX: @[email protected]
Page: 42
(1)
Itsuka: Oh, hello.
Woman: A child like you can’t be out here alone selling like this, you’ll worry the police.
(2)
Woman: You should hurry back to your mommy and daddy.
(3)
Itsuka: My dad is…
(4)
Itsuka’s Dad: I told you,
Itsuka’s Dad: A kid will just get in the way.
(5)
Itsuka’s Dad: You’re too much hassle.
Itsuka’s Dad: No help at all.
(6)
Itsuka: @[email protected] @[email protected]
Itsuka (narrative): What now?
Page: 43
(1)
Itsuka (narrative): I’m going to…
Itsuka (narrative): be abandoned again…